A Crappy Way to Spend Spring Break, Literally!
- March 14, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
Well today pretty well sums up how this year went! While everyone is posting on social media their vacation pictures in all sorts of tropical locations, I spent the first two days of Spring Break prepping for and having a colonoscopy. Crappy! The good news is that I have a healthy colon with no signs of autoimmune disease and more importantly no signs of cancer. I have to have yearly colonoscopies for the next five years as part of my cancer watch but this was the first one since my diagnosis so it was the big reveal. I was pretty much certain that there would be no cancer as I have absolutely no symptoms to lead anyone to believe that I would have cancer but it is nice to get the all clear in at least that area for the next year.
For those of you who have never had a colonoscopy, prepping for it is the worst part. It really is a terrible day as you walk, no run, back and forth to the bathroom all day and all night. This time the prep was not nearly as bad as the last time I had a colonoscopy. The last time, the doctor I was seeing wanted his patients to drink 4 litres of this horrible cleansing liquid. It tasted like poison. Even one sip of it had me gagging and I remember crying hysterically after I gagged on my first sip and thought I would surely die before I chugged down 4 litres of that horrible poison. Every sip I took I would gag and heave trying my best to keep it all down so I wouldn’t have to start over. I would then cry and keep going while I sat on the toilet crapping myself from one end and gagging and heaving from the other. I had really small children at that time who were constantly barging into the bathroom to see what was wrong with mommy and then running from the room to get away from the horror show that was going on in there. I should have gotten a babysitter that day but it was my first colonoscopy so I had no idea how bad it was going to be. By the time I went for the procedure my butt was so raw that I could barely sit and I had heaved and gagged so hard that I had not only broken all of the blood vessels around my eyes but had broken them in my eyes too. I looked like I had been the victim of some attack.
This prep went much smoother as the doctor was a friend of mine and he is a lot more sympathetic towards his patients. He goes with a cleanser that has you just swallowing a few pills followed by two cups of cleansing liquid. This was wayyyy better than the 4 litres of torture that I went through last time. I still was a big baby about it though as I hate to drink any form of horrible liquid and I have a gag reflex when drinking it that has me gagging on every little sip. http://www.beautifullybrokenblogger.com/yuck-one-more-ct-scan-down/
So I did gag my way through the two cups and my middle son actually leaped off of the couch where he was sitting beside me when I gagged and burped at the same time making a noise so loud that he was certain that I was going to projectile vomit all over him. He was killing himself watching my gag and dry heave and he could not believe that I managed to keep the fluid down considering all of the choking that was going on. He was like someone watching an accident scene and could not look away even though he was right in the line of fire if anything went wrong.
With my kids home on Spring Break they were once again witness to the horrible day of prep but they thoroughly enjoyed it this time as they were much older and the sight of mom heaving, gagging and running back and forth to the bathroom was hysterical to them. Every time I sprinted for the bathroom they would laugh and cheer and then they would yell and groan as they listened to the sounds of the horrible results of the cleansing fluids doing their job. And man, this stuff does its job. For 24 hours I could literally not stand up without almost pooping myself and for a few hours I just gave up and read my book on the toilet. Why waste the time running back and forth? By the time I got back to the couch I would just have to run right back again. I did have one close call where I was certain I would not make it and had everyone laughing while I grabbed my rear and walked like a Penguin to the bathroom while screaming “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Anytime anyone even tried to use the bathroom nearest me they would be threatened with death if they even considered stepping into that room.
In addition I was also trying to answer texts and emails from work as, for some reason, everyone seemed to need something on this particular day. It was almost like everyone had a sixth sense that Theresa was crapping herself all day so let’s mess with her and make sure we all ask for something just to see if we can actually get her to fill her pants. I also spent the day laughing at funny memes sent by multiple friends who all had the same sick idea that it was hilarious to send jokes to the person crapping themselves. They were really funny though and I suspect that they sent them to me because they knew that if they were in that predicament that is exactly what I would have done to them. I have added all of the memes to the bottom of this post for your own personal enjoyment. My friends are Sickos! I did draw the line at actually answering the phone, which rang off the hook all day, because I could not guarantee that I would be able to hold it long enough to carry on a conversation and the person on the other end would either have me suddenly hanging up on them or would be witness to something that they really just did not want to hear.
So today Danny drove me to the colonoscopy. I was a little nervous; not because I thought it would be painful, as I have had this done before and knew it was not big deal, but because the doctor was a good friend of mine. I am cool with him seeing my bottom as after exposing all of my body parts to so many doctors this year chucking a moon at a good friend is really no big deal. What I was worried about was whether or not the cleansing had worked completely and what he would find when he went up there with a camera. So I made sure that I visited the bathroom three times in the remaining few minutes before the procedure to make sure that I had for sure gotten everything out. Pretty sure I pushed so hard that instead of a rude surprise what he found was some brand new hemorrhoids. The nurses were all chuckling at the amount of times I was going in and out of the bathroom. Lord knows I did not want to surprise my friend with an unclean colon. My fear was further magnified when the nurse who put in my IV explained the procedure and that the doctor would first vacuum out any poop that remained in the colon before starting. I asked her “Does that really happen???” and she responded “yes, all of the time.” Great, chucking a moon was one thing but having him vacuum my poop was just beyond embarrassing. I would have run at that point but he is the most amazing doctor and I wanted the best when I had such a high risk of having cancer. I also knew that he was going to make sure that he took special care looking for that cancer because he actually cared about me.
Luckily my friend is hilarious and put me immediately at ease. He saw me waiting in the waiting room and called out a loud hello before pulling one of the wives of a patient out of the room. As he was leaving with the woman he noticed that she was wearing a Maple Leaf’s scarf and he commented “Hey, why didn’t you tell me your husband was a Maple Leaf fan before I did the scope? We have a special probe just for maple leaf fans!” He had everyone in the waiting room chuckling and I felt much better as I knew that even if I had a special surprise for him in my colon he would just laugh hysterically and make me feel better.
When I went in for the procedure my friend gave me a great, big hug and asked me how I was. I responded “Honestly, I am starving, I have just crapped myself since yesterday and I am really nervous, so let’s put me to sleep really quickly!” He laughed and we chatted right up until the Anesthesiologist put on my oxygen mask. Actually, I kept gabbing away even after the mask was on. I finally shut up when he put me right out and didn’t wake up until I was in recovery. I will give my doctor friend props! Not only did he not mention anything about things he may have found in my colon but I was also not filled with air like the last time I had a colonoscopy. The last doctor who did my colonoscopy not only kept me awake enough that I was witness to the whole procedure but puffed so much air up my rear that I was swollen up like I was pregnant and all cramped over. I then spent the entire day passing wind trying to end the horrible gas pains. This time I had zero gas or air and my stomach felt perfectly normal right away. He really does have a magic touch. When you are getting a colonoscopy, message me and I will pass you his name. He is known to be the best and I can now confirm, first hand, that this is absolutely true.
He called Danny and me into his office, after I spent some time in recovery waking up, to report that I had a perfectly healthy colon! Whoot Whoot! He then put a damper on the wonderful announcement when he reminded me that he would be booking me in for my Endoscopy for June! Whee!!! Good Times! Unfortunately, over the next five years my friend will be seeing a lot of my insides but I feel great knowing that I am in the best hands and so many people are watching over me to make sure that I am ok. Next year though, I hope that I am on a beach somewhere at Spring Break not running back and forth to the crapper while my children cheer me on! This is not the family quality time that I enjoy!