Five Types of People Who Should Be Banned From the Kiss and Ride Lane
- May 11, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
My son did not get out of bed on time this morning so the kids needed a ride to school in order to make it there on time. This means a dreaded trip through the Kiss and Ride Lane at school. I friggin hate the Kiss and Ride Lane. You would think in comparison to all that I have to manage in my life that maneuvering through the school drop off lane would seem like a piece of cake but, “Nope,” I can’t take the pressure of dealing with so many parents who just don’t get how to drop off efficiently and properly. I can’t for the life of me understand how so many people cannot figure out how to drop their children off quickly. Are you one of those annoying people who have yet to learn how to drop off appropriately? Here are the five types of annoying people you will find in the kiss and ride lane.
- The idiot who parks their car in the Kiss and Ride Lane- Calling someone an idiot may seem unkind to others but there is no better word that describes the person who parks their car right in the Kiss and Ride Lane. This has happened to me several times. You line up in the drop off line up, waiting patiently, ok impatiently, for your turn to turn into the school when you notice that people are cutting into the line in front of the car sitting in front of you. You wonder, “Is this guy just being nice and letting people in?” Because this is no time to be nice! If you don’t get your kids to that door before the bell rings, you are not going to be able to just drop and go but you will have to exit the car to drag the kids into the school and sign them in late. This is a problem since you are still wearing your flannel PJ’s and have yet to brush your teeth. Upon closer inspection you can now see that there is in fact no one sitting in the car. The idiot in front of you has abandoned their car to walk their children to the front of the school leaving everyone behind them stranded. Son of a bitch!!! Now you have to figure out how to back up to get your car around the parked offender without backing into the lineup of cars behind you, everyone oblivious to what the holdup is, and into the traffic that is whipping past you in the other lane. These people should have their Kiss and Ride privileges revoked because they are just assholes.
- The guy with the bags in the trunk- These people drive me crazy. They pull up and everything is going great. They’ve followed the Kiss and Ride protocol to a tee when suddenly up pops the hood of their trunk “CRAP!!!!!” Are you kidding me? You are driving a couple of blocks and your precious babes cannot hold their bags on their laps? When my kids set off for the school they know the protocol; bags off your backs and in your laps. Not in the trunk, not on the floor of the car but in your hands so that you are ready to dive out of that car the second it stops. They are like tiny parachute jumpers ready to bail out of the vehicle as soon as Mom gives them the signal to “Go, Go, Go!” Not these guys. Up slowly pops the hood and then out steps a tired parent who makes their way slowly around to the trunk and begins pulling out bags to pass to their children as they arrive. Some of them will even take time to carefully place the child’s back pack on their back for them. The children are just walking into the school, you are not gearing them up to do battle for goodness sakes, just hand it to them and get out of the way! I am not saying that my children are perfect all of the time at making a fast car exit. There have been times when they have failed to listen and placed a bag or coat on the seat causing a slight delay. Occasionally they have even misplaced an item, much to my horror, as the delay will trigger the teacher on duty to head over to help you out. It is at this point that I normally start to panic and lose it at them saying “get the heck out of the car before the teacher gets here, opens the door of the car and sees the horrible mess that is the back of our truck.” Back there is the remnants of many a car pool full of children all eating snacks and dropping them all over the place and the last thing I need is a helpful teacher opening the door for my slow poke children and witnessing the mess that is my life! My punishment for causing me this humiliation is that the child that held us up then has to clean the back of the car when they get home that night. “Any complaints?” “Well you should have gotten out of the car faster and none of this would have happened in the first place!”
- Next up is the Hovercraft or Helicopter Parents- You can pick these parents out immediately in the drop off lane because their brake lights go off and they put their car into park. Then you see their doors squeak open as they make their way around the car to open the door for their eight and ten year old kids so they can unbuckle them and help them to get out of the car. Your kids are eight and ten years old and they can’t yet work the button on their seat belt or open their own door??? Come on!!! In my family we have pretty much trained our kids to be read for any possible upcoming emergency or apocalypse. By the time they were eight years old they could out swim, out run, out climb, out skate and out survive most other kids or at least keep up with all of the other survivors. I feel sorry for the children of these hovering and smothering parents. For goodness sakes when the world goes to hell and floods whip through, coyotes attack or zombies take over the earth the non-smothered kids will all be sitting safely at the top of the tree while these poor smothered children will be dead because they couldn’t figure out how to press the button on their seat belts or open the car door on their own. For goodness sakes, would you let them press their own buttons and get the heck out of the car on their own before it is too late or before someone loses it in the Drop Off Lane and runs you over in a fit of rage.
- The Talker- This is the parent that says nothing all of the way to school and then chooses their moment at the drop off point to give their children their worldly advice for the day. They hug them, kiss them and discuss what will be happening that day. Even the teachers get annoyed at these guys and head over to open the car doors themselves encouraging the children to just get the heck out of the car so that their parent can stop talking and move on. You have the whole ride on the way to school to spit out all of the advice for the day so use it wisely and stop talking once you get to the drop off point. The only words that should be said at this point are, “I Love You, Goodbye” as the children dive out the door. I have a friend who knows how to work the Kiss and Ride Lane perfectly. With five kids she has become a professional and she whips through the lane faster than the parents with only one child. She always pulls up at the last second to avoid the early bird line ups and then barely even stops before the door is whipped open by one of the children and they are diving out like navy seals. One time she went so fast that when she turned back onto the road she realized that the youngest was still in the truck and scared the crap out of her when he announced “MOMMMMM I’m still here!!!!” She had to circle around again to throw him out too. Yet even with a drop off fail she managed to get through the drop off line faster than the hovercraft parent or the guy with the bags in the trunk.
- The last type of parent is that horrible person who chooses to cut the line!!! Everyone hates this person. This is the person who claims that they are in a hurry so they turn left into the Drop Off Lane and blow right past everyone waiting their turn. These people think that their time is more valuable than everyone else. They may have a business meeting to get to or an appointment. Listen buddy, I may be in my PJ’s in my car but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a life too. In fact I am often heading home to a conference call; I may even be having one in the car while I am dropping off. (Hands Free Of Course) Some people cut the line and then when the teachers on duty start yelling at them they get a confused look on their face like “I didn’t see that large line up!!!” “I’m confused; I have never dropped off before.” They are full of crap. That same car did the exact same thing last week and they pulled the confused look then too. They also need to lose their drop of privileges!!! The only person who has an excuse is the parent who has cracked because of all of the other people that I have described above. This is the poor soul who just can’t take it anymore and no longer cares what happens to them. This I can sympathise with as, let’s be honest, we have all thought “what would happen if I just drove to the front of that line, would the repercussions be worth ending this misery right now?”
So let’s get it together people and use the Kiss and Ride Lane properly. We could all whip through the drop off point in minutes. We would all be stress free and start our day on a happy note. The children would be better off for it too. Oh and don’t forget to smile and wave at the poor teachers stuck on Drop Off Duty each morning, their hell is whole other story!