Look out! Big Mama Is On The Ski Hill!
- February 21, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
It’s family day! The only part that sucks is that Danny never gets to take it off but I still want to make it a fun day for the kids so I packed up my three littles, along with my son’s buddy as his parents also do not get family day off, and off we went to the ski hill. I suck at skiing! I have been afraid to ski for pretty much my whole life but every year I drag myself out there and launch myself down those hills so that my kids can see me out there trying. I don’t want them to be afraid of skiing, like I am so I put myself through this torture over and over again. The good news is that my efforts have been successful because my three kids are great skiers and are not at all afraid to head down the toughest of hills over and over again. This year I have the excuse of being sick to fall back on and opted to hold the bags, get the snacks and read my book in the beautiful sunshine while cheering them on from the bottom of the hill. Am I wimping out? Hell yes but if I fell down right now they would have to send up the ski patrol to lift me back up again and there is no way that my children want to go through that humiliation. It is bad enough that they have had to put up with years and years of their mother flying passed them screaming at the top of her lungs over and over again.
I didn’t start skiing until I was in the seventh grade and the very first time I tried it I was heading up on one of those T-Bar lifts when I wiped out. I landed on the ground, lifted my head, and got wacked right in the mouth with the swinging T-Bar. My mouth was filled with blood, my lips were swollen up and I ended up having to be brought home in a special car. So humiliating! Ever since, I have been nervous to ski. In high school I took a ski trip with my friends. Danny and I were already dating and I asked him and his best friend, Michael- John to take me on an easy hill. They took me on a frigging black diamond. I jumped onto the ski lift, sitting in-between the two boys. I think in their minds they figured that they would help me off of the chair lift. LOL I was so anxious about getting off of that thing when we got to the top that I pushed off of both of them, essentially shoving them both back into the chair lift and flew down the ramp. They both missed the ramp, because I had shoved them back into their seats, and were circling back down the hill. The two of them ended up having to jump off of the chair lift which they did, sending them both flying. They then came over to me shaking their heads; not a great start. We then headed down the hill. When I saw the size of the hill they had me on I pretty much freaked out. As we started going down I was terrified so I squatted down on my skis and curled into a ball. Apparently when you do this it only makes you go that much faster. So while they were slowly turning their way down the hill to make sure that I took it easy, I shot by them like a small, curled up cannonball that had just been shot out of a cannon. This cannon ball was also screaming so loud that the whole mountain must have heard it! Michael-John was the best skier so he shot down after me. This was very gallant of him, although I am not sure what he thought he was going to do as all he could do was ski beside me while yelling “Stand up! Stand up!!!!!!!” I was going so fast at this point that he had to crouch in full racer position just to keep up with me. Thank god no one got in my way because I would have bowled them right down. After a really long time, I eventually wiped out sending both of my skis flying. I made the boys collect my skis and I walked my butt down the rest of that hill while complaining loudly that I had told them that I wanted to go on an easy hill while the two of them laughed at me.
Since then I have been skiing quite a few times and I still have not improved. I got a little better in University but, after taking a few years off to have babies, I am right back to being a terrible skier once more. It is so frustrating. I always start my day on the easiest hill along with a bunch of non-skiers who are just as afraid as I am. I feel great at the beginning of the day because I am with my beginner peeps! They are wiping out as much as I am and they look just as ridiculous as I do. But here is the thing, by the end of the day, they all look like real skiers and I still look like the bumbling spaz that everyone has come to expect. They are traitors I tell you! The other day I was driving my daughter and her friends to soccer and she was telling them that I was taking her skiing for Family Day and she started to thrill them with stories about her mom skiing. Great! Hearing it from her perspective only makes it all that more pathetic. Here’s how the conversation went. “My Mom is the worst skier ever!” Yes, I had to agree with that, but she didn’t have to say it with such enthusiasm and was it really necessary to point it out to a group of people who have never seen me ski? For all they knew I could have been an excellent skier! “First she goes on the hill and she does these really big turns so she goes so slow that you think she is never coming down.” I do make a valiant effort to maintain control at the top of the hill, right before my legs get tired, I begin to pick up speed and then completely give up on the turns. “Then she doesn’t turn and she shoots past us at like 100 miles an hour.” That about sums it up; I zip past everyone, straight down the hill. Small children had better get out of my way because… “So all the kids are screaming because here comes Big Mama flying at them!” Hey now, Big Mama??? At this point my daughter’s friends are in hysterics picturing my, I guess, enormous body shooting down the hill sending small frightened children flying. So I have sent a few kids flying, including my own but really I am clearly big enough that they should have seen me coming, so whose fault is it? “…And one time she went so fast that she wiped out! I skied up to her to help her and she started screaming “don’t touch me, leave me here forever, I’ll just start going down the hill again if you pick me up!!!” All true, so she wasn’t lying. This was a really big hill, well I thought it was, and my logic was correct, if they picked me up I would immediately start shooting down the hill again. So there I lay, as chair loads full of laughing, pointing children flew over me on the chair lift. There was a lot of pointing and laughing, clearly their parents did not teach them that it was impolite to point. I just laid there and waved back as I was perfectly happy to remain lying in the middle of that hill forever. That was until another obnoxious child almost ran over my prone body and I realized that I was in imminent danger. So up I got and shot right down to the bottom of the hill, past my waiting and laughing family and right up to the steps of the ski lodge, where I removed my skis and sat on the bench for the remainder of the afternoon.
So today I am perfectly happy to be relaxing on a beautiful sunny day, watching my kids have a blast shooting down the hill. I will dish out the money for hot chocolate happily and I am so proud of how brave they all are. I am also pretty proud of myself because, even though I still suck at skiing, I showed my kids that I will do anything for them. I have faced one of my biggest fears over and over again just so that they would not have to face those same fears and I know that even though they may tease me by telling stories to their friends about my horrible skiing adventures, deep down they are happy that I was out there doing it with them. I will also try to pretend that I did not just see my ten year old daughter take a large jump, wiping out at the bottom while my oldest son just took the jump right over top of her. Maybe they are a little too brave for this mommy’s liking.