To Spanx or Not To Spanx?
- February 15, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
Today’s Bad Mom moments of the day started early for me. I was dropping my daughter off at school when she shouted “oh no, I forgot to brush my teeth!” Now I could have and should have circled around, took her home and had her brush her teeth; that would have been a good mom move. I could have shrugged my shoulders and said “oh well guess you are going to knock over your friends with your breath today;” that would be a horrible mom move. I decided to just go the Bad Mom route and I grabbed the pack of mint flavoured gum from the front of the car and said “here chew this,” then I directed her to rub the gum on her teeth and tongue. “Voila” minty fresh breath! She may never brush her teeth again.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I always make a special dinner for Danny and the kids with little gifts, a table all decorated juice in wine glasses, and cake. The kids made me a card, well sort of. It is funny how even during card making the different personalities of my children come shining through. My daughter, the youngest, of course made the card, drew all of the pictures and wrote all of the words. She is so sweet and on her brothers’ Birthdays she spent hours creating the perfect Birthday cards for them. My oldest son then announced, “If you flip that card over, I signed my name on the back,” and he had, right there on the back! LOL Then my middle son announced “shoot, I didn’t sign it!” To which my husband pointed out that he had reminded him several times to sign the card to which he responded, “I know, I know I forgot! Give me a pen and I’ll sign it now if you want.” LOL You need to understand that no matter what this kid does you can only laugh because he does it with the hugest grin on his face. Aghhhhh!!!! So I now have a card to remind me of our beautiful Valentine’s Day together with my daughter’s pictures and comments, my son’s signature, if I flip it over, and the promise that if I really wanted it that my other son is willing to add his name as long as he remembers.
I was cruising through Facebook last night to see everyone’s Valentine posts and pictures when I came across this video.
This cracked me up!!! They are like super Spanxs! I just can’t do the Spanxs but this video makes it look so easy. I do not look like this at all when I am trying to force myself into a pair of Spanxs. To start, most of my problem area is not located on my tummy but on my bottom and trying to force this good sized caboose into a pair of spanks is not a pretty sight. It is more like a 15 minute long wrestling match. There is a whole lot of cursing, tugging, tucking, pushing, and sweating going on just to get everything tucked in where it belongs. My daughter once came in the room while I was getting ready to go out and was in the process of yanking on some Spanxs. If you ever want to feel really bad about yourself, just invite a kid in to watch you while you are trying to manipulate this horrible garment of torture into place. It will humiliate you and ruin the child for life. Every time I yanked, wiggled and pulled she would yell out comments like “oh my god!!!” “Aghhh, how are you going to get all of that in there?” “Do you need me to help you push it all in there?” “Oh oh oh, I think they are going to rip apart!” “You’re almost there mom, just a little more fat to go!” “How can you breathe in those things?” “Where did all of that fat go?” “What if they rip off, will you explode out of your dress?” At which point she acted out what it would look like if I did in fact explode out of my Spanx in public.” Throughout this I was pushing, pulling, wiggling and trying to hurry so she would just shut up. I was also laughing so hard that my face was red while begging her to please get out of my room and reminding her that she needs to knock before barging in on people putting on Spanx. There was no way she was leaving or missing out on this humiliating experience, this was too good to miss. Once I was in my dress she then proceeded downstairs to act out the whole episode for her dad and brothers who all roared with laughter at her presentation. God I hope I am there after she has had babies and needs to tuck her own muffin top and ample booty into a pair of Spanx. I’ll be sure to barge in and give her a play by play too.
The last time I wore Spanx was two years ago at the Father Daughter Ball. I was wearing a form fitting dress so I stuffed myself into a really tight pair of Spanxs which I was in for hours and hours. It was VERY hot that night in the tent where the ball was being held and with the pressure of the Spanxs and the heat I started to swell. Within hours, I couldn’t breathe but I also couldn’t pull those suckers off and still fit into my dress and I knew that if I took them off, even for a minute, I would never get them back on so I suffered through the night. Not being able to pee for 10 hours did not help matters but there was no way I would have gotten the undergarments back up if I pulled them down to pee. Spanx do come with a hole in the crotch that I assume is either there to provide your lady town with fresh air or so that you can hold it open to pee. I can’t use it for that as I always wear under wear under the Spanx because I find any sort of breeze around that area disconcerting. I know I am wearing a dress but I need to keep that area fully clothed so I opt for the full granny panty underneath just to keep it real. I don’t think anyone actually uses that pee hole to pee anyway. I mean that would be like really taking a huge risk. You would have to not only squat on the toilet but hold your dress up and the flap open and if you slip and the flap snaps closed you will end up peeing all over your Spanxs so that you are not only uncomfortable but now you are wet and stink of urine. No thank you. So by the end of the night I started whining about the Spanx to which one of my friends asked why I suffered with those things on. I explained that I really didn’t wear them to hold the flab in, as I have no problem owning my curves, but I mostly wore them to stop my thighs from chaffing while I ran around all night. Yes, when you are sporting a couple of extra pounds in the lower area your thighs do tend to rub together which is fine if you are attending a wedding and slowly walking around but when you are hosting an event like this one you spend the whole night on your feet running around so quickly that you could start a fire down there with all of the rubbing going on. She didn’t even laugh at my explanation since most girls do have this problem and she gave me a brilliant alternative. She said just throw on a pair of your husband’s boxer briefs and “Boom, no more chaffing!” I tried it the next year and will never go back. So when you see the volunteers walking around the father daughter ball with smiles on their faces know that this is because we are sporting comfortable boxers underneath our gowns, those with uncomfortable looking faces have the Spanx on.
That night though I was stuck in those horrible Spanx and I could feel myself swelling and swelling in the heat. I mean the heat was incredible that year. The daddies and daughters were all dripping with sweat. One of the dads actually melted the soles right off of his dress shoes. I am not exaggerating or kidding. The glue melted right off of the shoes and he waved the soles, that were no longer connected to the shoes, in the air and then through them on the table. It was ridiculous. We were dying. By the end of the night all of my jewelry was tarnished to the point that they could not be repaired from the sweat. Some of the volunteers actually had green marks around their necks and wrists from their own tarnished jewelry. We also looked like someone through a bucket of water over our heads because we were drenched with sweat and I had swelled up so much that my Spanxs were cutting off my circulation and were digging into my rib cage. It took me another 15 minutes when I got home that night just to pull them off of my swollen body and I had two huge hematomas on my rib cage, on both sides of my body from where my circulation was cut off. Two years later and I still have permanent bruises left on those two spots. They have faded but you can still see them clearly. I think I almost killed myself that night and I am surprise that I did not give myself a blood clot. Could you imagine if I would have passed out at the event in front of all of those dads and girls!!! My final words would have been me begging people to cut my Spanx off. It would have surely made the news. “Volunteer Suffocated By Her Own Spanx!” “Witnesses Horrified As Woman Explodes From Spanx!”
So I just googled “Pee Hole in Spanx” because I am not altogether certain that that is what that hole is for and “yep” it’s a pee hole alright. It says right on the box “Cotton double gusset makes life easier when nature calls,” LOL Apparently there are tons of people commenting on discussion forums about using this pee hole, questioning how practical this is and their comments are hilarious! I will share some of the funniest”
In response to someone asking what if you get pee on your Spanx : “I really doubt that getting a little pee on your spanx is going to make you smell like urine for the rest of the night, unless you were gorging on asparagus the night before.” So don’t eat asparagus and it will be ok to pee all over yourself in public and just carry on like nothing happened.
Some useful advice: “You could practice ahead of time you know. I’m sure you’ll have to pee between now and next week.” So now we need to all be in training, parading around our homes, chugging water so we can figure out how to master the squat, lift dress, open flap technique. We will all be motivated to succeed as every time we fail we will need to wash another pair of Spanx and start over.
A Spanx disaster story: “I tried one of those back when I was in high school, for prom. It was a disaster! I couldn’t get the damn closure to close again after I went to the bathroom, and I ended up all hot and sweaty from being bent over, frustrated, and trying to close it. I ended up just giving up and being “air conditioned” the rest of the night.” So I am not the only person who is not comfortable with an air conditioned lower area. On a side note I just googled other words for “Vagina” so I could use more variety in this blog and you should see some of the horrible things that popped up. I can’t even repeat some of them here and half of them I have never heard before or even understand but google it sometime and see for yourself. There are some truly disgusting blogs out there.
This one’s from someone who clearly sees herself as a professional Spanx wearer: “The opening definitely widens when you sit/squat. I’ve worn them numerous times, and I’ve never had a problem with going to the bathroom and getting anything on my spanks. Also, I’ve never had to hold mine open.” Show off!!! She is even shaming all of us who need more training before trying to pee out of the pee hole!
Now we have someone who uses the toilet paper as a prop: “all you have to do is just ball up some TP and tuck it around the pee hole, bend way over, widen the pee hole as wide as you can and pee as hard and fast as you can. The TP will absorb whatever pee-stragglers there are and will keep your Spanx piss-free.” This just seems like too much work, think I’ll hold it.
Here’s someone who had a close call: “.I was at a wedding and very drunk when it came time to pee. NOT AN EASY TASK. Luckily I only peed all over my hands while I was holding the pee hole open. I feel the pain though…not a good experience.” Well lucky she only PEED ALL OVER HER HANDS!!!!! Then reached out and touched all of the door knobs! Ewww! I will now be hand sanitizing like crazy even after I wash my hands in the bathroom.
Holy Moly, this lady used props!: “I carried an empty tp roll in my teeny tiny purse at my brother’s wedding and stuck it in the pee hole when I had to go. It worked like a charm keeping the pee off the spanx. Only negative is it was a one-time use solution as my purse was too small to carry more than one! But it worked. :)” Come on, you are all picturing this woman trying to pee through a toilet paper roll, using it as a hose and cracking up too!!! I am crying with laughter right now!!!
And here we have the dirty mama!: “ I can do it. I thought that’s why the hole was there…well…one of two reasons.” “I want to clarify that on those occasions that the opening has been utilized, no clothing has been removed. And that’s all I have to say about that.” Okee dokee!
Holy moly, I could go on and on. There is a treasure trove of hilarious comments out there on the internet! Anyway, my point, and I do have one is that the video of these new panties did amuse and interest me. They look like they really work well. Will I buy some? Probably not but I am tempted.