What The Hell Is Living In Our Vents?
- April 19, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
I haven’t written in a few days because I have been swamped with work but I thought I would take a few minutes to let everyone know that our house has been under attack by crazy animals. I am exhausted as many of our animal adventures this week seem to happen in the middle of the night.
It started early last week when my daughter woke us up bright and early to let us know that she heard a bird in the bathroom. I dragged my tired butt into the bathroom to listen and, sure enough, you could clearly hear a bird in the air vent. This sent shivers down my spine as we once had birds in our vents at our old house and before we got someone in to evict our unwanted visitors small, black bugs, from the birds started swarming out of the vents infesting the ceiling of our bathroom. It was disgusting. We had to tape garbage bags over all of our vents until the man from Nature’s Way could come in and take care of the problem. I literally had the heebie jeebies for months afterwards and almost took off my skin with all of the itching and scratching I did just thinking about those tiny bugs. There was no way we were having that happen again so we called the guys from Nature’s Way to come out the next day to take care of the vent.
That day things soon escalated and, before we knew it, it sounded like the entire animal kingdom was moving into our vent. We could hear birds squawking so loudly that they sounded like they were screaming and there was something in there that was fairly heavy and was running all over the place causing the birds to scream and scream. The kids were terrified of the noise so everyone was avoiding the bathrooms upstairs and fighting over who got to use the downstairs powder room. There were line ups to go pee. It got so noisy and aggressive sounding that my middle son came running into my room in the middle of the night with his eyes bulging saying “Mom, it sounds like someone is being murdered in the fan!!!!” It really did sound like a battle zone up there.
I was super relieved when the gentleman from Nature’s Way arrived to save us from whatever battle was going on in our vents the next afternoon. He asked me “so you hear a bird in your vents?” to which I replied “a bird? Hell no!!! We have a war going on in our vent. I don’t know what the heck is in there but we hear squawking, screaming, running and squealing! So I am pretty sure there is more than a bird in there!” I think the poor guy was probably thinking “Damn, I should have made my quote higher!” but he just laughed and pointed out that he was good as he had pretty much seen it all. I was not so sure about this and I followed him out around the house while continuing to explain to him that I really thought that something horribly vicious was lurking in our vent. It took him awhile to find where the animals had gotten in, as all of our vents had already been covered with wire netting. Finally he found one of our vents that had been completely torn off of our house and thrown on our roof by what he suspected was a squirrel. I think that must have been a hell of a squirrel to be able to yank off that heavy vent cover. He climbed up to the vent hole and I started filming with my camera. I wasn’t going to miss this. He turned around and asked me if I was filming and I said “Hell yes! Something is going to fly out of that hole right at your head and I’m not going to miss this!” “He laughed and started digging stuff out of the hole. Much to my disappointment nothing came flying out and he said it looked like whatever was in there was out getting food. I guess he could tell I was disappointed because he offered to pretend to be attacked and make it really dramatic for my camera. I considered his offer and asked him if he charged extra for this at which he had a good laugh. I decided that faking an animal attack just seemed silly so I let him go about cleaning out the vent and securing it with new wire.
In the end, based on the nesting debris and animal poop he could tell that both squirrels and birds had invaded our vent, which explains the territorial fighting we heard. He also said that he felt that they were no longer there but could not be 100% certain that he didn’t just lock one of the animals inside our home so if we heard any more noises we should call him so that he could come back. I made the major mistake of passing on that information to the children which resulted in three days of paranoid kids sounding the alarm on imaginary noises in the middle of the night. I was awoken the night before last again by my son who whispered that he heard the bird in his room. I stumbled sleepily to his room only to listen to a bird chirping outside his window. I am hoping the false alarms will soon stop so we can all get a good night’s sleep.
Last night I thought we were in the clear when one of our indoor animals woke us up in a screaming panic. My daughter’s hamster had filled her mouth too full of food and had gotten her face wedged in one of her tunnels. There she was with her stuffed cheeks firmly stuck in the tunnel, screaming her heart out while my kids all screamed and panicked thinking she would surely die. Her little feet were all that were stuck out of the tunnel and she was kicking up a storm. Danny had to take the whole cage and tunnel apart to pry her fat little body out. You may think that this is a once in a lifetime occurrence but “NOPE” she does this all of the time and never learns. It also always happens in the middle of the night waking everyone up. It has happened so often that we actually now know exactly how many pieces of food she can stuff in her cheeks before she gets stuck. 12 pieces are her limit. When she stuffs 13 in her face she always gets stuck. She apparently had found a stash of hidden food on this particular evening so once again we were awoken by screaming animals and children. At this point there is only one animal left in my good books and that is my sweet dog Bentley who sat quietly through all of these animal adventures just sucking on his soother while enjoying the chaos that took over our household. Here’s hoping for a quiet, bird free, squirrel free, hamster free night tonight!