Your Boobs Are In The Wrong Spot!
- February 24, 2017
- Theresa Bertuzzi
I finally got out of the house for a whole day and evening for something other than kids’ sports! I work from home so I spend A LOT of time on my computer in my living room and can be prone to going a little nutty with cabin fever, so when my friend Brigida asked me to come along with her shopping I dropped my work and headed out the door. She was looking for a couple of new outfits to wear to some upcoming events. While in one store she was trying on a top while I was trying on a cute jean dress. When we came out of the change room she asked about the top. It was too big in the bottom but fit in the top. We decided she needed a smaller size but we wouldn’t be able to see the correct fit because she wasn’t wearing her good bra. After you have had children the right bra becomes the determining factor of whether or not anything is going to fit right. So the sales lady came over and asked if she wanted to try a better bra. Now I knew that she was trying to make a sale here so I offered to just hold her bra straps for her and pull the ladies up where they belong! LOL That is what friends are for. Then I asked her if she had ever seen the movie “The Boss?” She hadn’t so I said I could demonstrate how I could use her bra straps to put on a boobie puppet show just like in the movie. To which she actually had the nerve to flip me the bird. The sales lady started laughing hysterically and said “I think that was meant for you!” It was. The sales lady went to go get the better, really expensive bra. When she returned, joke was on me because she then pointed out that the dress I was wearing was very cute but that my boobs were also “…not where they belonged!” Well it is not so funny when the tables have been turned and the attention is now on your own gravity challenged breasts. I was wearing a sports bra and she was accurate that the girls were not only a little too low but were also squished into one big uniboob. Whatever! Sports bras are comfortable and it is winter time; I am wearing a giant parka wherever I go so who cares where my boobs are pointed as long as they are snug and warm and comfortable. I also knew that she was right because just the other day, while grocery shopping with my daughter, I was wearing this same old bra when both of my breasts decided to exit the bra under my shirt and I was left with an uncomfortable feeling of free flying. The sad part is that they had not popped out of the top of my bra, like would have happened during my younger days, but they snuck out of the bottom which is just pathetic. Now it wasn’t a problem as I was wearing that giant parka but it did send my daughter into hysterics when I took a moment to tuck them back into place when we were back in the car. Okay, so maybe it is time to throw that particular bra away. I still think that Brigida should have just let me put on the puppet show with her bra straps; it would have saved her the sixty dollars she ended up spending when she got sucked into buying the good bra. Actually ninety dollars because it was buy one get one half off! At least her breasts will be in the right place, now mine are jealous!
That night we went out with Diane and Melanie to do some ceramic painting. I made a dog for my daughter. In the middle of painting, Melanie suddenly looked at her phone and said she had to meet a guy about a wine bottle opener? What? She said she didn’t know this guy so someone had to come with her. Well my life is pretty boring so I was in. I left my ceramic dog and headed for the door. Before we left I told Di and Mel that if we weren’t back in ten minutes to call for help and then reminded them that if they heard us counting backwards from 5 to come running. For years, counting backwards from five has always been our signal for help when we are out. Our plan has always been that if we are ever in danger, we would distract the threatening person by counting down “In five… In four… In three… In two… In one…” and then we would attack. All four of us have our assigned body parts. Brigida pokes them in the eyes, Diane smacks the ears, Melanie gives a blow to the nose and they assigned me with a shot to the balls. I have always argued my job as I think Diane would be better on balls. For one thing she is much smaller than me so I can reach the ears much better and she is far more vicious as when I was assigned the balls she told me to “make sure you grab and twist so you pull out those ball hairs too!” Good Grief!!! I mean she is clearly more cut out for that job as all I could think of was how much hand sanitizer I was going to need after taking this guy down. Yet I can’t take away her job because she is so funny with the ears. Whenever we are in a particularly dangerous or threatening situation, which we have been in surprisingly many times, you will know she is getting anxious because she will suddenly go “bam” and clap her hands loudly together as though she is practicing her ear smacking technique. It normally will scare whoever is lurking nearby away as they think she is insane. So that evening I headed out into the parking lot where Mel pulled a wine bottle opener out of her car. She said some guy was going to buy it from her. He texted her that he would meet her in the parking lot and would be wearing a cameo jacket. No wonder she wanted me to come with her as this sounded a little sketchy to me and the parking lot was very secluded and very dark. Sure enough there was a shady looking guy in a cameo jacket waiting to make the drop on the corner. She gave him the wine bottle opener and he inspected it for a really long time and asked a million questions like we were the sketchy people and were out to rip him off with a faulty bottle opener. Finally, he passed over the twenty dollars. He then made a funny comment about this seeming like we were doing something illegal and we laughed because apparently this guy was thinking the exact same thing we were and we were the two creepy women in the dark, spooky parking lot. Little did he know was that all we had to do was start counting down really loudly and he was dead meat! Well the deal was done and we returned safely back to our ceramics; aghhh the adventurous life of a work at home entrepreneur/mom.